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Thursday, August 19th, 2004
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9:49 am
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| Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
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12:13 am
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oh weird !
TODAY i thought about my mom quite a bit (nothing new?), then went out and picked up some
FUCKING applications and then i came back and smelled a bottle of her chanel perfume.
i have mixed feeling about this;
hey it's been 16 months since my mom died i should get over this shit
or
i still miss her and that's normal.
dude i should totally still be seeing a shrink.
anyway i miss a lot of people, i won't talk about that. i owe so many emails. but im substituting a select few with handwrittens. i wonder how people are.
hey lauren how neat would that be if we worked together? im turning in my app tomorrow and oh MAN i hope that works out !
steph, that was a sweet postcard. i recognized your handwriting immediately and melted! you are adorable.
lyd, i think 'sittin is awesome x 395635896 when its all three of us cause we have to do SO MUCH LESS WORK it's, well, awesome*. so good for us.
*serena asked why i say 'awesome' all the time. that slut! & trying to steal my boo. hahah.
definitely sleep time.
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(28 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 5th, 2004
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7:54 am
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you are all slutsssssss.
i am so ready for this to be over. i want to have something to look forward to, something concrete that i know will work out. scary. i need glasses.
current mood: asi
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 24th, 2004
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12:06 am
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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9:12 am
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this week will be a piece of chocolate cake, man.
i made some neat ceramic pieces. wanna see?
a few weeks ago when gab (sister-in-law) was staying with us she went downstairs to
ask the people to turn down their offensive, blaring GANGSTER RAP. they had 'no idea' they had their music up so loud.
yesterday i was leaving my house to find this taped to our sliding glass door:
jkxbgkssdrgdbg. of course, i was embarrassed at first and then i realized it was hilarious,
in an extremely awkward sense. she has very girlish handwriting.
i should have left a note that said simply... oops !
you never know how loud you are until that happens...
:shrug:
current mood:  uh
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 31st, 2004
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5:21 pm - ATTN: people fascinated by disgusting dermatology facts n stuff.
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sup with having a canker sore, man? g a y.
i did me some research.
"aphthous ulcers" = bad.
fuck my parents man, they're the reason i have one. that and, the fact that im an adolescent, a woman (2x more likely to get them) and probably have a B12 deficiency, and an iron deficiency (WHY AM I SO HUNGRY ALLS THE TIME ??) and i'm 'stressed' and 'run-down.' and i generally stab myself with my toothbrush every other day or so, which could DEF result in a traumatic ulcer.
most importantly, though, my dentures are really rough and THAT'S prolly the main contributing factor here.
boy am i glad this fucker will be gone in a couple dayz.
because...
i was perusing heather + mary's favorite site and eventually made it to some AMAZING dermitology image database, and realized that my greatest fear is to contract A BOCAL (yes, mouth) YEAST INFECTION which looks like that. anyway that sucks because i could potentially be eating a ton of candida-infested vag this weekend.
because i'm a slut.
:(
current mood: oh
current music: gravy train, what else!?
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 7th, 2004
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4:31 pm - FATal
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holy god!
i super-like chocolatechiptofutticuties,
more than my..my...i don't know. a lot.
it's hot here, 70-something?
sunny.
i want to know--
what was the last thing
you saw & thought "that's gorgeous/pretty/beautiful."
please.
mine was this father
and his baby, dressed
in the cutest little
red outfit.
i don't know.
anyway.
hi.
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
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11:04 pm
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i wonder if she'll remember which house was ours
when shes looking at this from above
(if she does at all.)
the lights that border the awnings and
ice being stirred loudly in a cocktail glass--
i'm certain we are obvious.
i'm wrapped up in this red shawl that was hers
looking at the icy lights.
they go out just at the song ends
and i wrap my headphones up
turn the player off
and my head, heavy with thoughts,
rests on my pillow for the first time in months.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, February 20th, 2004
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1:40 pm - stolen; oh well it's a good idea. i'm boring. so are you.
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I see: piles of books
I need: kisses & soy milk
i find: a lime green hair clip under my chair
I want: a sweater to wear right now
I have: a heart shaped rock
I wish: a lot of things
I love: squishes and laying on grass in the sun or both simultaneously.
I hate: excessively mean people
I miss: my brother
I fear: losing another family member
I feel: clean and cold
I hear: dripping water
I smell: NOTHING my nose is stuffy, boo
I crave: tea. i need soy milk!/1495693465
I search: on google, i like google. yes please.
I wonder: why i can't ever be satisfied with ________
I regret: doing poorly in school
( what's this world coming to )
current mood: ugh
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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8:10 am
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staying in.
i will make cookies and
listen to talking heads
(the girl downstairs will
hit the walls with something
hard, letting me know it's
too loud) but most of all
i'll think about her;
i suppose it's not
the best thing
to do* right now, today,
(february tenth) but if
i must remember her death
on the twenty-fifth then
today i'll remember the
day she was born.
--
*to avoid all else
--
i need to reorganize my photos
and finish that canvas, too.
current mood: ok.
current music: mm - out of gas.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, February 7th, 2004
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9:51 am
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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6:59 pm
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i walked through cutty grass today and cut my foot.
(i was wearing mary janes and it cut the top of my foot!)
& i wish i'd had my camera.
i have bad luck.
i have an empty s______h.
but i feel full & warm.
i will see diane arbus revelations tomorrow at MoMA.
i will lay in the grass again soon and pretend it's warmer.
(it's really an awfully chilly 58 degrees)
i will have tea with people, or alone.
i will find a skirt and paint a bird on it, just above the knee.
hi.
current mood: what's wrong with the
current music: cd-burner?
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2004
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11:12 pm - cayote attax + sushi
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just hours ago, i was viciously attacked by a cayote at fort cronkhite. no...seriously.
wow that is probably one of the strangest things...wait i'm glad i'm alive. hahaaa. i dont want to explain the whole thing and if i only explained part of it i would just look really dumb. we were complete innocent, helpless victims, and i think he was sick or something, the poor bastard cayote.
THEN i went out for sushi.
...my cell phone died / was killed somehow (it IS like a year old). i revived it and now i have no phonebook meaning, no one's numbers.
well fuck, thats neat.
i mean, without it, i will probably not even be able to call my own fucking house phone, i won't be able to remember the number. ew.
praise the good lord for speed dial but i swear, when it's gone, you're fucked.
the end.
current mood: exhausted.
current music: unh.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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2:01 am - 'you are a filthy whore'
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i'm leaving tomorrow and
i've had 3 cups of earl grey tea while packing. (shaking!)
it's still raining; i feel like sleeping
or writing or drawing,
taking photos,
walking around the city
seeing people i love
relaxing or being really busy
either, but.. the anticipation of
stressful travel is hanging over my head
of course i want to see family
of course i will enjoy travelling,
to some extent.
i'm pretty sure it will be,
see family recieve gifts i'm not worthy of/don't need, give gifts that seem meaningless, lectures on continuing education, fake smiles that make my face hurt. i can't even imagine now, seeing my mothers sisters and neices, and especially her mother, because i'll just be seeing and feeling her in them, in their faces and their laughter and aunt b's embrace.
and on top of it,
i already miss him,
and i smell like him
and,
---
i wrote that before i left and left it private i think.
i don't know what's going on and i don;t know why i came back here.
there isnt anything for me here besides a few sad, fucking tired old facades of 'loving' relatives,
cheap gifts and cheap words and
realizing there wasnt ever anything for you here in the first place.
in every thing, i see my mother (especially here, it's awful) and
again, i'm starting to think that coming back wasnt
such a fabulous idea.
.
feeling as worn and
exhausted sad & vulnerable as i did
on february twenty-five of this year;
someone please take me on a real vacation.
or just...away?
current mood: ask me again in
current music: five minutes (uglycasanova)
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 20th, 2003
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11:28 am
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i've stopped taking care of myself
stopped giving attention to the people that are important to me,
(including family)
which is obviously harmful too relationships, but,
what have i been doing? what makes me happy (him)
i know i'm being a bitch but i wouldnt call it laziness.
perhaps my priorities have become confused as far as taking care of everyone else, and i am being selfish? (because-)
--
i think i've needed these past few weeks where i have been
the happiest i've been in a long time, genuinely happy,
right now i feel like physical distance between myself and
everyone i know would be best, so maybe leaving on wednesday will be _____.
ahorita, me siento horrible para eso, todo.
i hope you can forgive any of this and when i get back next year we can move on//
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
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11:14 pm - a handful of generalizations;
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sometimes i feel like everything moves too fast;
i want to lie in bed all day
(ya te extraño, te quiero al lado de mi cuerpo ; tu corazón estará en mis manos, sangre roja entre mis dedos calientes; así que puedo sentir los latidos.)
and watch people outside my window.
i generally prefer observation to interaction.
don't know why i'm suddenly so tired.
porque es amargo, y porque es mi corazón.
current mood:  sleepy.
current music: --
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
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8:53 am - OPEN WIDER
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i went to the dentist
my top teeth are numb and
so is the rest of me
hmm.
christmukah is right around ze corner y estoy (estoy? soy!) pobre (yes, poor),
so everyone's getting sex from me for the holidays.
whateverwhenever, 'cept no face-eating today cause my face is basically completely numb. & that would be WEIRD.
so YEP! just ...call. naw mean.
hey ps; -fumi- oh my gosh hi! im going to write you back<3
hey -perry- dude brother i hope you're doin okay, probably not but i can hope right?
hey everyone else... fuck you. i mean hi i love you kidz too. shit, how is everyone doing???
current mood:  numb
current music: hi
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(13 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
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8:57 pm
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it means something,
i think,
when spelling errors
or grammar mistakes
that are generally irksome
(to say the least)
become endearing.
"i miss you to much"
not that i needed that; everything about him is endearing already...
--
and as if i needed an excuse, i've recieved
several requests for shirts, so i'm ordering
a few (i'm thinking i'll go american apparel) to hand-stencil/paint on & sell for not much more than 'production cost'/&shipping.
so if any of you have requests, i'll make you a shirt :)
aaaaaaaalso i have 34589634956 brandnewperfectly white shirts in 49364 sizes
so i can make them like, now, if ya want it on white.
other colors you have to wait.
(note to self;
4 bl y/s
2 bl w/m/os
1 kg y/l
1 bl s
w ink
/underc.
dblue
g
r
...etc.)
current mood: sick;busy;
current music: ...a silver mt zion.
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(23 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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9:22 am
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fuck snap(fish). i sweartogod.
in other KNEWs, i've suddenly found myself sickkk,
swollen fucking tonsils fucking-- red, red throat.
chest, hurtie. awesome time to get sick.
and since i'm a slut i think i've passed it on
to about 27 other people so, i've had my revenge
and now it's time to sleep.
faaaaaarewell,,
(how are all of you?)
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(38 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 13th, 2003
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8:40 pm
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[ shit, i suck. ]
i've been pretty happy lately, for... one. reason, basically...
but instead of feeling relieved i feel awkward.
feeling okay is feeling strange. i still want to sleep all the time
and its not that i don't want myself to be happy, but
i still feel like inside i am very sad, worse than sad,
and that the content i feel now is very very temporary.
people worry about me. i'm okay i'm okay.
and i want to see everyone together again, soon, you know?
that would be really nice...
i wish i could slow down for five minutes and reflect on things
a little more. but any free time i get is basically spent sleeping.
of course.
because i think i missed about 489563457 years of sleep in the
last few months.
and then i remembered one day that sleeping is fantastic and
sleeping with someone next to you is even better.
current music: black eyes.
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(13 comments | comment on this)
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fatallozenge's journal
french toast
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